On Owning Your Mistakes

My parents divorced when I was around eleven. In many ways I am grateful, because I ended up with two sets of parents and learned a lot from both dads and both moms.

Over the years more mentors showed up. Coaches, professors, my graduate advisor, mentors at work, succeseful entrepreneurs, and more. Some don’t even know I consider them mentors. Some are just authors I read. One who unlocked a lot inside me was Paul Graham. During YC we walked three times for about 45 minutes and I also read some (most?) of his essays. He probably doesn’t remember me. What he said echoed what my other mentors had told me, but he said it with striking efficiency.

The line that stuck was, in the long run it is easier to be good than to look good. Not “better”. “Easier”. For a lazy person, “EASY” is a button we like to press! That idea went straight to the core of how I operate. And here’s a second order effect of this mindset: I own my mistakes because that makes me “more good”.

This habit makes more efficient in trying things, failing, and then learning. I do not attach myself to solutions. I attach myself to problems. When you cling to your own opinions or actions, you focus on appearance instead of substance. When you stay close to problems you accept that you will keep iterating and you will keep making mistakes.

I have a long list of mistakes: in raising my kids, in love, in relationships, in business, and in investing. But what stays constant are the problems I want to solve. Big ones, like building a Dyson sphere to harvest all the energy of the sun. As well as smaller ones, like parents lacking the patience to teach their kids or adults hurting each other through war, theft, and lies.

Beliefs, religions, systems of governance are all solutions we test and replace. The problems remain. When a solution fails, admit it, apologise, and explain how you will fix it. People forgive quickly when you do that, because it shows you are trying to be good, not just look good.

Whatever mistake you have made does not define you. Acknowledge it, own it, and decide how you will build a better future.

One of the most powerful benefit of owning your mistakes is that it gives you confidence to make more mistakes and learn from them.